lose control?

I got my car fixed a few months ago because the car kept having an 02 sensor issue, we thought. However, we took the car to RC Auto and they found out it was just some computer issues so they reset the computer and viola, the car hasn't given me troubles until TODAY. And I sit here wondering, "Why today?" .

Ironically, after walking to the parking lot from an unsuccessful shopping trip to Old Navy I noticed for the first time since I took the car to the shop in February that the shop had replaced my car dealership license plate frame with one that advertises RC Auto. I mentioned to my companion, "I never noticed that my license frame was replaced until today". He also hadn't noticed the replacement until I brought it to his attention.

Literally ten minutes later, after deciding where we wanted to eat, we got into the car and it wouldn't start. Panic began but I decided it would be best not to react so we waited...one minute, three minutes, another five minutes. We kept trying to start the car but it wouldn't cooperate. Then after about 20 minutes of contained panic the car started. Phew!

Now how come of all days did I only notice today that the license plate frame was replaced, then the car doesn't start, and I find myself at RC Auto asking them to take a look at why my car is in one of its mood again? What does it all mean?

Was the universe "testing" me to see how I would respond to unexpected car troubles? Only 6 weeks ago this type of thing would have sent me into a meltdown; freaking out about how unfair life is and diving deep into fear and despair. This time however, I passed the "test". I didn't freak. I remained calm, composed and didn't lose faith that the car would eventually start. So maybe that is what the purpose was for...more proof that as long as I believe it will all work out, it will.

Let go and let the universe take control.

I wonder....

I watched "Religious" by Michael Moore the other night and it truly got me doubting after years of considering myself a Christian. So today I put my IPOD on and began to clean. One of the songs from an LDS CD I purchased years ago because I love the song, "His Hands" that is on the recording. I have often listened to this song when I have gone through challenging times & my faith in Christ always is strengthened when I listen to the song. When I listen to the song I feel empathy for Christ. I can feel his burdens as if they are my own.

So when one of the songs from the album came on my IPOD this morning I listened for a few seconds and moved onto another song. I was doubting the whole notion of Christ at the moment. So I continued cleaning while listening contently to music from my IPOD....set to shuffle.

Then I started to clean the bathrooom and the thought came to my mind, "I am wondering about this whole Christ thing. Am I a fool for believing?". I continued cleaning and then randomly while scrubbing the bathtub I found myself looking in a drawer, without purpose. I don't know why I looked in the drawer. I was cleaning the bathtub and then I find myself randomly opening a drawer. I see a package of needles. I thought to myself, "why do I have needles in the bathroom?" Then I figured I must of placed them there awhile ago to be used to for my mascara and to help separate my eyelashes. Satisfied with this explanation I opened the drawer further and I see the glistening gold from my Nana's cross necklace. I pull the necklace out and wonder to myself, "is this a sign that Christ exists?" or is it a mere coincidence that on this day that I find myself doubtful I randomly opened a drawer and found a gold cross from my decesased Nana. The necklace lied there all this time without me ever opening the drawer let alone noticing the necklace but of all days, today I found myself questioning and doubting and then the necklace appeared. Is it a sign or is it a mere coincidence? And is the needle of any signficance? In the Bible it says, "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. I wonder, "is the needle a sign or coincidence, as well?". And what is the signficance, if any? I am not rich by any means. Still on unemployment and have a job interview Monday. Christians would tell me these are all good signs....within an hour of finding the necklace I got a call from job opportunity, Full-time, with benefits. Exactly what my longterm goal is to attain. So even if this job doesn't pan out, does that invalidate all these signs or wait, are they coincidences...I forget which I believe. I wonder.

Second Chances

What is truly important and what really only matters
Is knowing there is someone who won’t let me shatter.
Someone who cares at night where my head lays
And cares that I sleep well & awake the next day.

It wasn’t always easy, love can’t always be
Perfect, passionate and only filled with glee.
Life happened and I got caught up with worry.
I became angry, scared and lost; filled with fury.

I created a drama, changing the script; making a friend a foe;
acted in ways that would make a great reality show.
Screaming, crying, blaming, shaming all day long.
I lost my compassionate spirit and my heart’s beautiful song.

Now I remind myself how lucky I am,
living my life with such a lover and friend.
I believe in those second chances…a rewind.
Open your heart; it will be unwavering love you find.

Masters

I find myself wondering, are humans by nature selfish? Do humans naturally want to see someone else fail? I heard on the radio last night that the 2010 Masters ratings have increased 47% since last year. The DJ attributed the increase to people's curiousity to see if a crazed mistress will come running onto the course. What a sad realization to understand that ultimately, people want to see others fail. All animals including humans are wired to be competitive. Our primary concern is survival. Remember the days where the main goal was to gather food for yourself and your family? Even then it was necessary to be selfish in order to survive. By definition, altruism is having an unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others. Is there really such thing as altruism when it goes against our primary purpose, survival of self? Alas, I have to admit that a majority of humans want to watch a talented man ultimatley fail. I contend that the viewership hasn't increased because more people are interested in the game of golf. Their motives aren't so simple.

It never is simple.

The sunshine brings hope and the world looks glossy today. Springtime is filled with budding tulips, sunshine and longer days. I find myself contemplating the cycle of life: birth, death, rebirth. Fitting that I am thinking these thoughts just days after the celebration of Easter. I feel my spirit emerging from a long slumber.

The world looks glossy, new, fresh, inspiring, creative today. That is a miracle considering I have spent months in a muted world filled with worries, anger, sadness and hopelessness.

So what changed? Everything. I am learning to stop making life more difficult than it needs to be. I am seeing things with a new appreciation. I am just along for the ride. I can't control the twists and turns that are ahead but I can stay in the moment and most importantly, laugh. Enjoy the ride of life!

Really?

The absurdity of it all....I find myself running from store to store trying to find the "right" kind of notepads I need for my esteemed new profession, "waitress". Smiths had what I needed but cost about $5 a notepad. HELL NO! I KNOW I can get it cheaper elsewhere! So I drive to the nearest Walmart but they didn't have prized notepads in a bargain bin as I had hoped...Still too expensive. So I make the ten minute drive up to KMART in the Foothills. I guess even KMART has been blasted by the declining economy....the store had closed, the bright red sign was missing from the buildings exterior. I thought to myself, "well I guess I am not the only one feeling the ill effects of a failing economy".

Being that I went back to college at the age of 27 to aquire a bachelors of science degree in psychology and now I have been on unemployment three times since. I had worked at a cancer research facility for five years and then I was laid off. I was fortunate at that time and only had to be on unemployment for 3.5 months. Then I spent about a year working in a pharmaceutical research clinic. Just as my timing has always been off, I resigned from that position about a month before the economy and the job market went to hell.

I got a break last year and my dad got me a job working as his paralegal. Then five months later the firm decided to dissolve the bankruptcy department which I had worked. Ever since then I have been on unemployment, now waitressing part-time and have sent out hundreds of resumes... all my efforts for two interviews and a phone interview! Yet, I did find my inbox full of rejection emails. On a rare occasion I will get a rejection letter mailed to my home. I actually feel quite honored knowing that they spent the 30 something cents (how much are stamps these days, anyway?) to deliver such expected news, "thank you for your interest.....we have decided to go with another candidate....we appreciate your time".

Speaking of time reminds me why I am writing this little tidbit...Since I had the time today, I could be on pursuit of the "right" server notepads. I took a nice ride to Target near the Cottonwoods. Mount Olympus looked beautiful and mysterious while cloaked in clouds and snow and the notepads where found in the blessed bargain bins for a dollar each.

Task complete: bought cheap waitressing notepads.

And back to the absurdity...my overall college GPA of 3.86 has converted to a $2.13/hour waitressing job. How can I not laugh? The absurdity of it all.